


Selfish

by AKnightOfAGoodKing



Series: And if you were never friends, that the world is wrong. [3]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Getting Back Together, M/M, Selfish Kind of Love, superbatsecretsanta2k17, supportive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-10 14:59:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12914334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AKnightOfAGoodKing/pseuds/AKnightOfAGoodKing
Summary: For gravitywhatgravity.tumblr.com for the Superbat Secret Santa 2017: Near or actual break up and subsequent make upExcerpt:[Kon let out a small laugh. “Our Lois Lane, right?”Clark laughed too. “Yes, our Lois Lane. She's perfect, but it doesn't she still can't get hurt. She's only-” he cut himself off because it was starting to sound very familiar.“Human,” Kon finished. “I get that. It's, uhm, it's kind of scary, isn't it? I feel the same way about Tim, but there's not much we can really do when they're so headstrong. I guess the only thing we can do is to do our best and trust them. And hope, right?”]





	Selfish

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GravityWhatGravity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GravityWhatGravity/gifts).



> **[DO NOT REPOST/REUSE MY WORK(S) WITHOUT MY ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND PERMISSION]**

_“You’re not listening! Why don’t you ju-”_

_“You’re not my keeper,_ **_Kal_** _. I did what I deemed was necessary, and I will do it again if I have too. I won’t let you stop me.”_

 _“ **W**_ ** _hy?!_ ** _You nearly died_ **_again,_** _and if you’re not dead, you have fifty stitches, two broken ribs and bruises everywhere. Couldn’t you have waited for me_ ** _?_ ** _”_

 _“I’m just as capable. Have_ **_you_ ** _ever ask for someone to take your place? No, you don’t, even if it’s dealing with Kryptonite. You do it because you can and you want to. I’m in the same position, and it’s the choice I make.”_

_“But you’re human! What happens if someone finally gets you? I can’t handle that, Bruce. I love you, and it scares me so much that you’re so willing to throw your life on the line so easily.”_

_“Then maybe you shouldn’t love me. If it’s too difficult for you to let me risk myself, then we shouldn’t be in this relationship. It’ll be detrimental to those around us.”_

_“. . . Are you saying we should break up? Bru-”_

_“It’ll be better this way. I’ve noticed that my performance levels have dropped. It can make all the difference between life and death.”_

_“Bruce, you can’t do this. Don’t do this. Bruce?”_

.

.

.

Bruce caught himself staring at the computer screen again, blinking back into awareness and staring at the time. _0334._ He rubbed his temples as he let out a sigh. He felt tired, but he didn’t want to go to bed. He couldn’t find it in himself to walk up the stairs of the cave right now.

He reached over to call Clar-

He sighed again and made himself get up. He dragged himself over to the locker and changed into a set of sweats, and he headed towards the workout area. Standing in front of a punching bag, Bruce let out a deep breath, and he was throwing out kicks and punches, getting lost in the movement as he blanked out his mind.

Bruce woke up at the presence of someone looming over him on the training mat.

“Hey, B,” Tim said, letting out a yawn. “You didn’t go to bed?”

“You neither?” Bruce replied, getting up. He shivered, the air cold against his skin. Tim passed him a jacket, as if he knew. “What are you working on?”

“Nothing yet. It's been quiet these days, so I'm focusing on WE right now. Came down to access the backlogs. You?”

“Penguin and Black Mask partnered up again. Importing drugs with mules.”

“Are you aware Jason is working on that too?”

“I suspected. Did you eat yet?”

“No. You?”

“No.”

This was the part where they both pulled themselves upstairs because with this confirmed acknowledgement that neither of them had eaten, they'd guilt each other to eat something to be a good example. It was a new thing, suggested by Stephanie, and so far, they managed to pull it off the few times since then.

Bruce sat down as Tim went the fridge, pulled out the package of bread and the jars of peanut butter and jelly. Neither of them were that great at cooking, but then again, neither of them were ever that hungry most of the time. Sandwiches were something at least.

“Where has Clark been?” Tim asked as he handed Bruce a butter knife. He started spreading the jelly on the first slice. “I haven't seen him around Gotham for a while.”

Bruce grimaced, taking the knife. “He doesn't want to come to Gotham then,” he replied.

Tim raised an eyebrow. “Kon told me he hasn't visited the farm in two weeks, Bruce. You did something.”

Bruce shrugged, but there was no energy behind it so he ended up slouching, his elbow on the counter top.

“What did you do?”

“Nothing. We're not together anymore.”

Tim’s eyes widened in shock, dropping a glop of peanut butter onto his arm. He immediately wiped it off. _“You're not together anymore?”_ he said incredulously. There was a soft look of sadness on his face. “Why?”

“Our relationship was getting in the way of our duties. It was never meant to last.”

“It could've,” Tim said, disappointment on his face. He shook his head, putting his sandwich together. He started to eat angrily, chewing on a bite. “Fix it.”

Bruce shook his head, frowning too. “There's nothing to fix. I want to be able to make the choice to go first and not have him offer himself for it ever.”

Tim sighed. “I know what you're doing, Bruce, and you broke a good man’s heart. You don't even know why you were angry, don’t you? Well, you better fix it, Bruce. You love him. I know you do.”

“How do you know that?” Bruce asked, chewing on a bite. It tasted bitter in his mouth, a tangy feeling that ran from the tip of his tongue to the back of his jaw. _How do you know that's true?_

“Left with little to nothing, I’m making the best guess I can. The best I can hope for.”

Bruce pondered that. He wondered why Tim was so angry, but he was too afraid to ask. He didn't know why though.

“I'm done,” Tim said, putting everything away. He washed his hands at the sink. “I'm going downstairs again. Go to bed, B. You need it.”

When he walked past Bruce, Tim placed a hand on his adoptive father’s shoulder for a moment. Then he continued on, shaking his head as he muttered, _"Se_ _lfish.”_

.

.

.

Clark was smiling back at an old woman thanking him for helping her walk across the street. He felt guilty that his heart wasn't into it as it should've been, but he felt too weary to try. “Have a good day,” he said, waving as he flew away.

He made it to work with a few minutes to spare and changed. He walked in as the mild reporter that he was and went to his cubicle. He started working. He stopped for lunch at 12 and went up to the rooftop of the Daily Planet. He didn't bring lunch with him - not that he needed it - so he let himself lean against the door wall, slide down to sit without moving away and let out a huge sigh. It was a sigh of discontent and sadness.

“You need to stop thinking about him,” Lois said, sitting right beside him.

And that really surprised Clark, who jumped up a little, because he didn't know where she came from or how long she was there. He didn't realize she was there in the first place.

“How did yo-”

“I've been trying to get your attention since lunch started,” she answer. “You were thinking about him again, weren't you, Clark?”

Defeated, Clark nodded, feeling bad. “I can't help it,” he replied, looking away. “I loved him. I _still_ love him, and he just left me like it was nothing. Did I even mean anything to him at all?”

Lois leaned over, their shoulders touching in comfort. “It’s not your fault, Clark,” she told him gently. “It was in the heat of the moment. He'll come back around, hopefully, but he's the one who broke your heart. You shouldn't be the wait waiting for him to do it. I know it takes time to get pass it, but it's been two weeks and he hasn't contacted you. It's not entirely a lost cause, but it's time to move on. To let go of him.”

“I miss him.”

“I know, Clark. I know, but missing someone won't bring them back. Maybe one day, you'll come back together again, but you shouldn't waste time and effort that'd go nowhere. You'll be okay, Clark. I know you will.”

Clark sighed, nodding. What Lois said made all the sense, and she was right. It was letting things take its course.

.

.

.

It was a stupid idea, a twenty-five percent chance of succeeding, and they got out of alive, slumped on the harbor breathing for dear life.

“You _shouldn't_ have done that, Hood,” Batman said curtly, letting out a cough. “You could've died. My lung capacity is greater than yours. You could've have drowned without that oxygen mask.”

“Shut up,” Red Hood said, wiping his face with the back of his hand. “You don't get to tell me what I do. You could've drowned too, Batman.”

“And it would've been fine. You'd resuscitate me after you managed the lock.”

Red Hood scoffed, crossing his arms. “I said _shut up._ ”

Batman was getting a little frustrated now because _Jason could have died._ “Don't do it again. Prioritize yourself, Hood.”

The younger man frowned. “Why don't _you_?” he asked. He threw his hand sup in the air. “God, you're such an ass.”

“Your life is important.”

“And yours is too!” the younger man countered. He rolled his eyes in frustration he was trying to hide but failing. “I'm leaving.”

Batman watched as his son walked away, recalling that same frustration but by him almost a month ago. He didn't understand. He _wanted_ to understand.

“Wait,” he called out, catching Red Hood by the elbow. “Why are you angry? I don't get it. We both knew it should've been you to wear the mask while underwater. I don't doubt your ability, and you don't doubt mine. Why are you angry at me when it should've been me?”

Red Hood let out a growl, pulling his elbow away. He took off his helmet, a domino mask to hide eyes, and he combed a hand through his hair, the white stripe gray in the dark. “I can't believe how emotional dumb you are, B,” he said, his irritation somewhat soften. “I don't hate you.”

Batman nodded, not going to argue with that. He didn't believe that sometimes, not when he deserved it. He failed to protect his Robin, to protect _Jason._ If Jason didn't hate him, the younger man certainly didn't love him the same. Batman understood _that._

“And I don't want you to sacrifice yourself at the damn time,” Red Hood said with a stern tone. “You're always throwing yourself head-on because you think you can do it alone, and you don't want me to do the same thing you're doing, even though you say we're both capable. You think you're trying to spare me the pain, but you're just being selfish. Well, you know what, Batman? I get to be selfish too. Selfish enough to be an ass and put the people I care about first. Sometimes, I want it to be _me_.”

Oh.

Was that what Tim meant? _Selfish._ Because _he_ wanted the one he loved to be safe? He was angry when Clark offered himself in a life and death situation, wasn't he? Because the reason he went off to risk his life was so someone else didn't have to. He didn't think that was the kind of person he was, since what seemed like forever, because all he did was give and give. So that no one else had to. But he didn't realize that someone else may have wanted to give too, to do the same because the people around him were good people, _kind_ people. People who were selfish too, out of love.

“I see,” Batman said, letting go. “Thank you.”

Red Hood sighed, not walking away yet. “Yeah,” he replied. “Anything for you, I guess.”

“I'll see you next time?”

His nearly estranged son just nodded, walking away.

.

.

.

“I'm glad you came back,” Kon said as the two Kent boys washed the dishes for Ma and Pa, no questions asked. “They were getting antsy when all you did was pick up the phone.”

Clark smiled a little. “Yeah,” he replied softly. “Sorry about that. But I bet you ate a lot of extra pie. Ma always bakes when she's troubled.”

“Oh, you bet. She started experimenting, and I thought Alfred was going to come over at one point. But still, thanks. Thought you might not come back for a while. I missed you.”

Clark's smile widened, endeared by Kon’s words. “You shouldn't thank me for that. I should be apologizing for not visiting like I usually do. I fell into a rough patch and didn't think of coming home.”

“Is this about Bruce?”

Clark pursed his lips, but nodded.

Kon gave Clark a sympathetic smile. “Tim told me enough to understand why you haven't come home,” he said knowingly. “It'll be okay.”

“Yeah,” Clark weakly responded. “And how's Tim?”

Kon sighed, shaking his head a little. “He had to cancel on our date last Saturday because Dick needed some help in Blüdhaven.”

“Is that so? A case?”

“Yup. Two-face. Politics. Stuff. I'd tell you the whole story, but it'll be in the papers sooner or later. How's Lois?”

“Good. She twisted her ankle walking over a grate.”

Kon let out a small laugh. “Our Lois Lane, right?”

Clark laughed too. “Yes, _our_ Lois Lane. She's perfect, but it doesn't she still can't get hurt. She's only-” he cut himself off because it was starting to sound very familiar.

“Human,” Kon finished. “I get that. It's, uhm, it's kind of scary, isn't it? I feel the same way about Tim, but there's not much we can really do when they're so headstrong. I guess the only thing we can do is to do our best and trust them. And hope, right?”

 _Rao, this kid is incredibly sweet_ , Clark thought, keeping a smile on his face. _He makes me so proud._ “Thanks,” he said out loud.

They finished washing the dishes, and Clark stayed another hour before heading back to Metropolis, promising he'd be back next week. His parents seemed concerned still, but they spared him the pain by not bringing it up. They'd let him decide when he wanted to talk.

After a few rounds around his city, the world relatively quiet for once, Clark returned to his small apartment and got ready for bed. For once, he didn't feel the heaviness on his chest as he laid down to rest. He felt okay, and he wasn't sure if he was glad or saddened by that. He still loved Bruce, so to no longer feel the raw pain of being pushed away meant he was moving on. But he didn't want to move on, not from Bruce.

Clark loved him with all his heart, and he knew, for certain, that Bruce loved him just the same, albeit with hidden smiles and glints of humor in his blue eyes.

But still. It had been a month.

That was enough time to grieve, even if he was unwilling to move on. He had to. Too many people depended on him, but maybe one more night? One more night to stay up too late and stare up at the ceiling, dreaming awake of the possibility that Bruce would call him and they’d make up.

_“Kal.”_

Clark sucked in a breath, deciding maybe that wasn’t a good idea. He wasn’t even in bed yet, and he was already imagining voices. He rubbed his face before turning off the lights. He settled in for the night and closed his eyes.

_“Kal.”_

“Damn it,” Clark said, staring at the ceiling now as he bit his bottom lip in frustration. He didn’t want to let go, didn’t he? “It’s for the best,” he reminded himself. “For the both of us.”

_“Kal. Clark. It’s me. I miss you. Won’t you hear me out one last time?”_

Clark sat up, realizing that the voice was not a dream. He felt his blood pumping loudly in his ear, looking towards the east. He shouldn’t go. He didn’t want to answer that call. He got up, flying out his window in a blur, and following a heart beating from miles and miles away. 

And he flew over Gotham, dimly lit despite the many streetlamps and quiet for once, to the other side of the city where the Manor stood on its lonesome, one man standing - _calling_ \- from one of the wide balconies.

“Bruce,” Clark said weakly, hovering a foot away from the railing where his former lover stood. _Rao_ , he had nearly forgotten how handsome the other was, his face bearing the features of old nobility, his eyes as blue as the sky at midnight, his expression never at all blank. The Man of Steel felt his resolve waver.

“Clark,” Bruce replied, his voice resounding firmly. He inhaled deeply, collecting himself before exhaling.  “If I had to name the most idiotic person in the world, it would be me because I never know what I’m truly afraid of. But I do know when I have hurt someone, intentional or not, and I have hurt you. I didn’t know why though, until someone else did the same to me. He got angry because I didn’t hesitate to let myself be collateral damage. I understand that I was angry too, at you, because you didn’t hesitate. And I think that scares me too much because I don’t want to lose you, not that way. I’m not a good man, Clark. I try, but I’m a very selfish man.

“I risked myself that time because _I_ didn’t want you to. I went in without you because I couldn’t risk the chance that I’d have to go on without you. I don’t want to live in a world without you, but I would have to. That scares me, Clark. It’s why I pushed you away and hurt you, and for that, I’m sorry. But I will never be sorry for putting myself before you because I love you.”

And as he spoke, his eyes was rimmed red, his voice constricted by the words he spoke. He paused to take a breath.. “I missed you, Clark,” he tried again. “Like twilight misses the sun.”

And his resolve crumbled, Clark reaching out as he finally landed. Bruce had let him go, and he had been drifting.

 _“Bastard,”_ he cursed, holding Bruce’s hands between his hands and holding the man he loved close because this was what he had been desperately dreaming of. He was being weighed down with tears. “Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.”

“I know, Clark,” Bruce said, let go of himself this time. He had his arms wrapped around the man he wanted to protect, resting his head against warm hands that held up the world like a gift. “And I can only ask you to stay patient with me.”

Clark broke out in a teary smile. That was the least Bruce could ask of him - anything,  _everything_ \- "As long as I'm the one you call every time."

**Author's Note:**

> (i think i'm falling into a structural pattern for this series. O_o and that's bad. gotta work harder!
> 
> thanks for reading and merry christmas/happy holidays! ^^)


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